Disinfotainment

Merv Griffin is dead, another bloated Hollywood corpse has washed up on the beach. Merv’s body will be rendered into fat and reformulated into a special lubricant used to grease palms in the TV business.

I don’t have much reason to blog about my contempt for old farts like Merv, except that it is the only excuse I’ll ever have to tell my Merv anecdote. I once met Merv face to face, and I laugh every time I think about it. Unfortunately, it is a moment in time and nobody ever understands the context anymore. But I figure somebody will get it and laugh.

A long time ago, maybe around the early 1970s, my family went on vacation to Miami to see the Orange Bowl. One morning, my sister I went out of our hotel and found the Orange Bowl Parade was about to start. We were trying to cross the road, we stood right at the corner but it was too late, the parade had started. The parade’s lead car, a big Lincoln convertible, stopped right in front of us, close enough I could stand there and open the door. It had a big sign on the door, “Merv Griffin, Grand Marshall.” I looked up and Merv was right there, close enough to me I could reach out and touch him. So I nudged my sister, and spoke loudly so that Merv would hear me, I know he heard me because he looked right at me, and ooh you should have seen the look on his face. I pointed right at Merv and I said, “hey look it’s Irv Kupcinet!”

I’m going into the hospital for surgery in the morning. I’ve been seeing a doctor for a few weeks due to stomach pains, it turns out I’ve got gall stones, so I need to have my gall bladder removed. I went in today for another surgical consultation, I expected them to schedule it for a few weeks out, but the doctor said they had a cancellation so I might as well have it done tomorrow. This is rather sudden, but I guess it works out for the best, it gives me less time to worry about things.

I’m having a “lap chole” which is a minimally invasive surgery done with laparoscopic instruments. They say it will be all over in 90 minutes. I’m in pretty good physical condition (aside from my gall bladder) so I don’t expect any complications. But then, nobody ever expects complications.

I was planning to write a lengthy story about my medical travails, but I was waiting for a definitive conclusion. And now it is upon me so suddenly, there’s no time to write about it. So it will have to wait for later.

Update 1PM Tuesday: All done, feeling woozy and sore. Percocet is nice. Need rest.

I just received this threatening email from Rex Bruce of LACDA, the "Los Angeles Center for Digital Art"

From: Rex Bruce

Subject: Disinfotainment post, possible lawsuit



May 30, 2007



Charles Eicher



Dear Sir,



Please delete the “Disinfotainment” article regarding myself, our
center and its practices from your blog. It is not accurate. Should
you not remove it I will seek assistance through our lawyers. I will
make a legal case against you, obtain a cease and desist order and
will sue you for damages and legal costs. As well, any criminal
charges which may be involved will also be reported and pursued.



This post will also be reflected as “abuse” to its respective host(s)
who will be contacted and be held liable as allowed to the extent of
applicable law. They may proceed against you with those remedies
available to them in the interests of their protection.



Please respond within 48 hours.


Yours,




Rex Bruce

Director

Los Angeles Center For Digital Art

107 West Fifth Street

Los Angeles, CA 90013

And my response, sent via email:

I will not remove the article. I notified you of this article via email the day it was published, almost a year ago. It is too late to complain now.


Note: your email, and all further correspondence, will be posted to my weblog. Your attempt to suppress this article will only draw more attention to it.


        —-

Charles Eicher

Oh how many times have I heard this story before? It is the pathetic war cry of internet flamers and bullies, “you’ll be hearing from my attorney!” And of course nothing will ever happen because the guy doesn’t even have an attorney. This sort of hollow threat inspired the internet neologism “cartooney,” denoting the imaginary attorney the flamer thinks he will hire to prosecute his lawsuit.

And it’s obvious he has no attorney, no Member of the Bar would take such a ridiculous case, they would all universally advise Rex to just forget about it. Furthermore, if he had actually consulted an attorney before sending a threatening email, he would have received legal advice not to make those threats, which could be considered barratry, a criminal misdemeanor in California.

But I know how this scenario will play out, I’ve been through this before. Rex Bruce will attempt to shut down my website by sending a threatening email to my ISP’s abuse desk. It won’t work. Perhaps then he will actually consult a real attorney, who will advise him that he has no grounds for a lawsuit, I have committed no criminal acts and no civil torts. Even if he does manage to retain a lawyer licensed to practice in Iowa and he files a lawsuit in my jurisdiction (very unlikely) the best he can achieve is a Pyrrhic Victory.

So let me offer you some friendly advice, Rex. You are digging yourself into a deep hole. Stop digging, you’re only getting in deeper. Your only winning strategy is to walk away.

A few days ago, a friend invited me to go see a movie. As I headed out the door, I thought to myself, I should wear my new jacket. I found a really nice black Mossimo jacket at Target for just $25, it fit me perfectly and I thought I looked really great, not too dressy, not too casual. So I grabbed it from my closet, threw it on, and headed out the door.

My friend’s reaction puzzled me, he said, “that’s an interesting jacket, I’ve never seen you wear it before.” I said, “sure you have, I wore it to your art opening a few weeks ago.” I didn’t think anything of it until I got home and hung it up, when I noticed the label. It wasn’t my new jacket, it was an old Jimmy’Z jacket I bought in about 1983.

This wasn’t just any jacket, it was part of a suit and pants set, Jimmy’Z’s first and most infamous product, it made their reputation. The pants didn’t have a zipper, or any fly at all, it fastened at the side with a velcro strap. It was a beachwear version of a conservative business suit, but cut very wide with big shoulder pads. I wore that suit constantly, the pants wore out but I kept wearing the jacket long after it was out of fashion. I haven’t worn it for many years, but I couldn’t bear to throw it out. I only grabbed it from my closet by accident.

I had an appointment for a haircut the next day, so I decided to wear it and ask for a second opinion from the women in the salon. I was vaguely hoping the jacket was so retro it was back in fashion again. But I got the same reaction, “that’s an interesting jacket.” I asked my haircutter for her opinion, she said, “well, it’s too big and wide for you, it makes your head look tiny. It reminds me of the jacket David Byrne wore in the movie ‘Stop Making Sense.'” Unfortunately, I knew exactly what she meant.

It took months of painful, hard work to earn my latest sports trophy:







Update: I suppose I should know better than to post a “blind item” like this, now people are emailing me to ask what’s in the X-Ray. The answer is: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I’ve been jogging for a year and I developed some ankle problems. I went to the doctor and he sent me for an expensive X-Ray, it showed absolutely nothing. The doctor is baffled, I have to go back for more tests.

This is what galls me about working out to improve your fitness, sometimes you just end up trading one set of health problems for another. I’ve worked hard to get into shape, but after all those miles spent running, beating my feet on the pavement, I ended up with beat-up feet. And an expensive X-Ray. So this image is my little trophy.